letter to a marq

i search your eyes
for direction
i'm lost in your
part of town
dark streets promise
threaten
secret alleys
thoroughfares

i commit my map of you
pencilled
coloured in
silhouttes of shades of streets
scents drift from shadows
teasing
pleasing
darkness hides my faults
faltering steps
clinging to the sides

i hover
in yellowing light
drizzle
obscures the length
the facades
the lettering's smudged
do i leap the puddle
brave the oncoming rush
drench myself in the unfortunate downpour

or you could take my hand
guide it
to its destination
i'm a fast learner
i can find my way back
again
find its marq
embrace the dark

but you prefer to watch
me
stumble
blindly kindly
trip over your lanes
bloody my nose
endure the trial
and error
the fumbling
stumbling unsophisticate
you would like me to be

don't overplay
your lure
your prize

i've a guide
booked
bought the map
to your lap
know the quickest
route
as the
time
flies

your thighs are highways unknown to me
yet i've seen those streets
sidewalked
scoped the real estate
don't try to jack
the price up now
due to
market
appraisal

you're only worth what i'm willing to pay
and i'm willing to play
for now
to pretend to woo
to lose my shoe in your gutter
to stutter and stumble
fumble and mumble my way to your house
and act all surprised
when you finally let me inside

trouble is
i been here before
tried the back door
found the key
cased the joint
so i guess my point
is

where
were
we?

and where
would you
like
me
to
go

fragment (2)

you
know
i can't sleep
can't even begin

to relax
i've taken pills
and wine
and herbal teas
to ease me into dreams

wakefulness is etched in me
every breath winds the cord
tighter still
i hear the shrill
taunts and barbs
the cars
the night itself
loud around me
deafening
the weight
the wait
for you

frustrated don't come close

you

love

you joke
you fairytale, story, utter lie
lie
through your gilded teeth, foiled
sugar-coated, saccharine
patent and false
cardboard fake
you take
you suck me in
tuck me in a cosy bed of thorns
of shreds
of glass
tore
ment

to think i believed
believe it still
doted pine
sappy moan
heavy sigh
lie awake
sweat fevered
cleaving to the sword
drawing blood
jumping to conclusion
confusion is all you bring
your gift
a bomb
shrapnel propelled
swells in my face
staining dreams and fears
cliched tears
tearing hair
hes not there

i long
to be
safe
real
realised full
true and clear
thirst quenching
glitteringly transparent
prescent
bold

the tale told right
the knight the prince
the moon wan wing'd
magic dwells
as he tells me how he feels
my head reels
and we fall

in the joke
love

lost

no map
no stars to guide me
i'm waiting
like the freezing night-lit desert
for the blaze of day
a sign
to show the way
a hint a clue
the piece that glues them
altogether

the scent blown on the breeze
brings me stories of you
who you do
i can track and sniff
find the print the mark
the spark you gave to someone else
someone good enough to give your body to
but not me

the problem is
i don't even know

if i want you
its only cos you said i could
i need your permission
to desire
to fire a heat in my loins
to sear my mind
to grill to line to pine
to wait, supine

invitations to dine
fall from my lips, hips clenched
stomach wrenched
wretchedly
waiting
for you to deign
you reign
the pack, they sniff me out
find me so easily
as if i'd try to hide
try to play
dare to stay

just give me the rules
at least
show me the start of the path
a box with few matches
patches of light
or else
i remain

lost

my triumphant return

i have a dark heart
and an innocent soul
i'm unconsolable
red wine tears
pumped, flow
like lush gasoline
petroleum hair
corona aflame
i'm biblical in the bad sense
red eyes
rimmed
wish hatred, abhorrence
blood and chaos
want you to scream
so i can laugh
want you to die
so i have space to breathe
and yet
you should stay
caress my cheek
kiss my forehead
soothe, balm, heal, love
love like a divine razor
can i be damned and purified
in the one flesh
in one breath

for a person who believes in neither
heaven nor hell
i'm getting to know them pretty well

thinking of doing

it
the next to last thing
jumping cutting swallowing wallowing
drown in drink in drunken courage
gets me over the wall
out on the ledge
the bridge's precipice
the razor's edge
the thin red line
the cord the string
the thing that makes it all worthwhile
makes it taste bitter
better that way
metallic and harsh
you know its shouldn't be in your mouth
shouldn't be outside your skin
it drips and stains
and everyone can see
telltale signs
little lines of lies
so
i'm thinking of doing
again
so
many ways
rearranged recombined
shining stories
crumbs are clues if you're quicker than the birds
sleeker than the wolf
slicker than the oil dripping from my tips
petroleum's pheremones call to my nose
leads it on
matches pulls to pills
to the end of ills
to self
kill

alone

again
you know the drill
kill time
drink
douse the fuel
wet things won't catch alight
soggy trousers
dry cheeks
i rub my eyes
but i can't see any better
murky muddy
rough and brackish
silty heart
anti-pig
wallowing to get clean
get the dirt off
drowning to feel
screaming for silence
wanting not to want
the lines of opposition
a phalanx
guard of honour
borders boundaries all protected
sealed
hermetically
blissful contamination
killed on contact
ultra disinfectant eyes
sharp scrubbing smile
and lying heart
biting its tongue
spitting out filthy lies
bitchy thing
viper edged
nasty
a bin of decomposing scraps
oozing wet
making a mark
leaving a stain
and i remain
alone

ode to those hippy boys

yeah you know who
you are
the ones with the hair
and bare feet
always dancing
in the middle of the room
not even on shrooms
that's what i like
it's kinda freaky
that you don't seem to care
just smile at those
those suddenly bizarre rules
to dress, to behave
i slave to convention
avoid pretension
and assert individuality
at pre-determined intervals
in a crowd

you like to dress
up/down
in revealing self-referential regalia
paraphernalia
signs and symbols of the resistance
your persistent candour
expands me

oh dear
there it is
this dangerous line
just thrown out there
i'm caught unprepared
my response is scared
if you were near me
i could be
free
from judgement
for a while
forget about style,
critical eye and snide remarks
forget image, deficiency, the marks of limit
in that whole you are what i could never be thing
in that i'll redeem myself through you because you will see the real
me
whatever that is
i play a part, its obvious to see the distinction
the wig comes off and my face falls
unscripted, i'm mute
but not for you
you are fused
wired
ostensibly inspired
i can borrow that
inflate myself with your passion
you're my wild streak
my hippy freak
my disgust
and salvation

record

you know the drill
the usual
the cliche, hackneyed turn of phrase
old record
broken record
flip it, reverse it
turn off, tune out
make that needle
skip
make it dance
scratch
the surface
the skin
to let something in
see there it goes again
seeping in
infecting
always lurking at the edges
ready to jump in
hijack
crash into an ivory tower
thousands of lame metaphors
die, burn, jump
but we'll still watch it
we'll still keep reading
about bleeding casualties
enumerated injuries
the hurt, the scars, the pain
that same old refrain
as we try in vain
to change
the record

bleached

bones
whittled and white
brittled
litter my floor
cave brushed
encrusted
damp dank den
torches flicker splutter
spit grease
fatty flames
thick choking fumes
blacken
my name
my door
is sealed
guarded by force
by growls
scowls
fierce signs
trespassers will be prosecuted
persecuted
judged
found wanting
wanting
waiting
i am
stepping on bones
splinters in my heel
in my face
scratches on my wrist
pounding fist
on floor
watching a closed door
a dead line
an empty box
hoping
someone reads the sign the secret
message underridden
hidden in the punch
under the knife
under my skin
i want to let you in
but cannot ask
cannot dare
and so i stare
you down
chase you
out
abuse you into silence
force you to stop trying
make you fail my test
change the rules of a game you never knew we were playing
so you lose
and i lose you

smashed crab

broken and disgusting
a stinking mess
that's what i am
the ocean's tears wet my cheeks
my damp flesh
cracked shell

all mixed and mangled
giving off a stench
repellent
revolting
i make you gag
make you turn away

can't stand to look at me
not even in that car-crash way
no illicit thrill
pleasant shock

broken and disgusting
is what i am

break the ice

break the sound
the silence
the shift into gear
the line starts right here
hear that
that sharp
snap
cracklepop
of bloodnbone
of ear drums filledto bursting
of joy of flesh
of fleshy slapping scraping
skin your knee
gaze your face
disgrace blooms in your trouser crotch
a botched job
a hatchet smack dab
in the middle
of the road
poisonous toad
lick its back
and take your chances
take yourself away
in a nice neat plastic tub
do you want rice with that
greasy feeling
pit of stomach reeling
queasy knot
nausea rising
bile on the tip of your tongue
acid coats your teeth
your breath a reeking diseaese thing
a plague a blight
you light it alight
a light
burns
blazes
crackle
snap-pop
breaks the ice

fragment

why bother
why even start
to try

when voices from the wall
mock you with casual ignorance
innocent of their barbs
or so it seems
muffled just enough
thick and dull

but still the laughter carries

tell

tell everybody
go on
tell them
you want to
what you want to
do to me
show them
use instructive diagrams
live models
impressive tables, graphs, statistics
prove to yourself
its right
its needed
for everybody’s good
especially mine

cos I’m wrong
you broke me
far too deep to fix
your too cheap to fix
the fuse, the wire, the cog, the lie
the heart of the matter
is busted
you screwed too hard
bashed it
up against the ribcage wall
the bars, the cell, the limit
turned the dial
to eleven, twelve, whatever
you’d lost count by that point
blind, drunk, dazzled, dizzy
sparks, bubbles, gas, steam
shooting, thrilling, streaming, seeming
more real than real
more true than a lie detector
you measured your pleasure
and it was off the charts

dead rat

Thrilling really
How willingly we comply
How we’ll watch the time unravel
From the ball we used to hold

Simple surely
How our senses dull their edges
Worn smooth and imbecile
Through overuse and over-wrought

Stange sometimes
How light can play on windows
How shafts appear through clouds
The world dances (be)for us

Silly still
How we smile and then forget
Feel and then forget
Sigh and dry the tears

Funny though
What makes it through the winter
What carries through the dark
What lands upon our doorstep

Sitting silent
It waits until we’re ready
It sees but only listens
Its judgement not for us

So why
Do we let it go all mouldy
Do we leave it in the rain
Do we pass it by each morning

Who knows
But still the strings unfurling
Our planet still is turning
We turn towards the sun

present

Its cold
The air bites my skin
Nips my heels
Makes me hurry to the next room
Makes you inhale through your teeth
Rub jumper arms
Feet in socks

The air is realer here
Heavy
Present
A watching animal
Not quite benign pet
But not malevolent either
It harbours things
Things make it their home
Winged and insectine
Webbed crawled
Things you lay traps and poison for
Things you dread in dead of night
Unwelcome visitors
Always leave traces

you look awful

no truly
you do
would i
lie to you
of course not honey
darling
its for you own good
that i provide
accurate critique
that i take a step
back
and appraise
that i cease to amaze
look really
you should know
that
just doesn't go
its not you
its not chic
its not nice
its looks cheap
you look
no i didn't say that
hey come back
for a sec
you need to thicken your skin
i've only begun to begin
i'm barely started
there's your hair
for one
your thighs
and your bum
your bust is ok
but then a rack's just a rack
if you can't back
it up with some class
and not just a fat arse
a bow or a belt
is most often used
usually abused
to cinch in a waist
or an overlarge coat
in dark brown or black
can often make up
for the lack
of physique
but then
you are unique
you're one of a kind
the way you match colours
is quite like a blind
person would
just going on feel
with absolutely no
hint of appeal
no sex
no mystique
no
spotted on the street
hot look of this week
you're just dumpy and sad
like an old knitted bag
tossed away
you fail
ready for
garage sale
passed off with a grin
dumped in a bin
filled wih charity clothes
and no one wants those
well none with a nose
for fashion or sense
avoidance is best
look down and detest
those less fortunate than you
in cheap knock-off shoes
that callous their feet
while you swan on by
nose high in the sky
flying and free
freshly shopping spreed
freshly groomed
newly trimmed
each day at the gymed
toned tanned and lean
a new beauty queen
never daring to stop
or question
your top
just pull on those jeans
rip and burst at your seams
with shining ego
and eyeliner emo
lipliner high gloss
your hair flicked with toss
your mag teemed with goss
your teeth need no floss
your brain turns to dross
your life is so tame
your one goal is fame
your one thought is vain
your next step will maim
your face as it meets with a bus

you look awful

my little towel head

i love my little towel head
he rubs me dry
warm and fluffy robes
flapping in the breeze
clinging to his calves

they call him terrorist
and i agree
he has infiltrated my heart
planted a seed
a bomb
a suspicious package
who knows
when it will go off
i will explode
delighted
showers of fine white powder
glitter
litter the streets
coat my skin
it'll take weeks to wash him out

oh yes, he's fanatical
i could never love someone
who doesn't understand
consuming passion
the flames of fervent belief
lick at my crotch
a doctrine
a dogma
a stick a whip a line
a smile

fatwa
jihad
infidel
he likes to call me names
dirty words
dangerous and sexy
i'm his foreign tongue
his occupied region
invaded
conquered
effigies burn
tempers flare
there are shouts
and cries
and tears

in the desert of our bed
we plunge for oil
shafts alight aglow
precious liquid
nations war
to claim this land
flat hard torso
none can call their own

but me

that sinking feeling

you get the feeling
that one day
it'll all just make sense

you'll finally have that one realisation
epiphany
the key
to the lock of your life

and all your hurt
doubt
fear
every trauma
every angst
every mote of anxiety
will flow
out in a great glorious soft wave

and you'll be pristine
released
complete
content
transformed

the new, better, ultimate you
the one you dreamed you'd be
able to tackle anything
a thousand and one positive adjectives
culminate in you
you are brilliance
happiness
energy
dancing through life
happily ever after

but you won't
there is no key
there isn't a lock
there is only the silence
of the cage
the tick of the bars
as
you drown
in the oceans of your dreams

confessions of a child star

i used to be amazing
bright brilliant
beyond expectations
special classes
yeah
i used to be special
talented sharp
cutting through curricula

i even won awards
scholarships
prizes
certificates
medals
ribbons

so many badges of honour
little trinkets declaring my worth
talismans

acclaim heaped upon acclaim
and then adolescence yawned
suddenly
slowly
i wasn't so great any more
i was less that great
i wasn't special
i was worthless

all those totems
turned token
plastic
paper
cheap and meaningless
bottom of the box
middle of the road
ahead of the curve but only
just
average
plain
old
average

a tomb a house

i'm building a home
i'm building a world
you'll never know
till thousands of years
have wiped your furrowed brow
your feeble excavations
will unearth me
magnificent fossil
godess entombed
i will blind you
reason falters at my feet
fades
i bend
space
distort
light
absorb, reflect, multiply
i, conduit
i, traveller
ancient one
encased in anger
caked in tears
will tear your world apart
with my silent stare
forgotten gaze
i see you from my distant past
i see you from across the years
as they close
fast
like spiked walls
rushing upon you
the air is coming
i am coming
the sound of wings
beats your ears
the throbbing
threatens to burst
a thunderclap
and
i
am born

know

don't
look at me
i'm not worth the time
it'll take you
to blink and miss me
i'm not worth the half a breath
you'll expell in disgust
i'm not worth
the .001 cents i may cost you
cos time is money
i'm not worth
all the effort
your brain's exerted
just to tell you i don't matter
i'm not worth that split-second of indecision
in which you could've been curing cancer
i'm not worth it
ok
so stop
know now
it doesn't matter
because
you're not worth shit

sweet.sweet.sweet.

like rotting teeth
cringe
sickly sickly
sticky toffee
of a putrescent corpse
creamy
milky mush
warm and blankety
electric doona scarf and wine warmth
cracking crackling
dig dig stab with a silver spoon
steel polished
off the whole bowl
lick the corners
excavate the crevices with your little tool
ferret out each and every morsel
consumed with consuming
when you reached over-full a good while back
and now its the challenge of the thing
the punishing yourself with pleasure
with pain of pleasure of pain
of sooner or later you'll stop
have to
have to

i have to
i have to

go
before
i'm
.
.
.
sick.

the more you make of it

the less it really seems
sometimes
in dreams
it can be wild and grand
and synaesthetic
encased in coloured mist
that curls through your bones
and smokes at every orifice
blending you in oil paint smudges
diluted into the landscape
everything flowing
into everything
else

its nice
because you're connected
if you're there
it all makes sense
or rather
why try to use logic
when that's just so patently absurd
so obviously counter-intuitive
so duh
so just shut up and enjoy the ride

oh fuck

it just broke
everything
is in danger
of crashing down
wood and splinters
raining
screws
without purchase
metal and timber forever
divorced

no support
i'll have to live in boxes
on boxes
remove their current inhabitants
munch on fibrous board
card shards

and when it rains
my kingdom turns to pulp
fiction
comes real
i sleep in sodden reams
and drape
in newsprint running
my sheets stain me
with inky ingrain
if it breaks
and i'm left
with the old woman
living
out of a shoe
box

half an hour and then i'm gone

the rain
makes it easier
gives me a reason
to search the sky
bulbous and grey
strangely flat
everything moving
high above
me
constant
change
i
consider standing in the middle of the road for a while
to see what that's like
but i'm afraid of what your neighbours might think
they turn their lights on
then off when it gets dark
strange
they fiddle with the latches on their front gates
i listen
to the tempo picked out on sheet metal
i long to be soaking
but the tram ride home
wouldn't be much fun
skipping naked would be nice
but no one really wants to see that
least of all me
but the rain
would make it easier
gives me an excuse
at least
that's something
ok
i'll wait another half hour
and then i'm gone

i.like.to.watch

don't we all

jpgs
gifs imgs
all there
spread out
waiting
i can look as much as i like
no need to pay
to talk
to know your name

discard your clothes like a cheeseburger wrapper
get straight to the meat
or the bun
if you prefer
and then
move on
a new boy as fast as i can click
you
what's under that
oh ok
not bad
next
you
show me your cock
cool
next

each image
becomes less
and less able
to arouse
i need more
exponentially
bigger
harder
rougher

but you like it
i mean
that's why you're there, right
you took that pic
uploaded some vids
of your best feature
solicitous
calculated the angle the lighting
or a moment of weakness
desire causing desperation
depravity
delicious exhibitionist tendencies

maybe you wanna meet
someone
"for fun" - prefer same age
those that "look after themselves"
sleep till you find one that sticks
the more they click
the less you feel
the more you need
more
clicks
pictures of dicks
and other muscles
glisten on screen
i can even listen
to you scream
and moan
oh yeah
i'm gonna cum
as you insert a finger
into your
soft secret fetish
as you play to the crowd
fulfill their requests
sell yourself for free
cos deep down that's what you're worth
but right now
right here
you're hot
and wanted
clicked over and again
by who knows how many men
you don't care
you just lay it bear
and beg to feel
stretch it til its real
keep going down that road
tripped on the first step and rode it down
hoping to drown
in the fluid
oceans of lust

until you bust

ginny

i'm hungry
but for what
i'm thirsty
but water cannot slate
no matter what
i shove in that hole
its still empty
still waiting
still there

i went to the supermarket
everything was nice
ordered
colourful
10 of each in a row
i wandered every aisle
but nothing leaped out
i left with a bottle of tonic water
because i couldn't bear
being empty handed

but you can't drink tonic alone
(well i do, but you shouldn't)
so it found its mate
natural state
ms gin
and mr tonic

he can only stand her in small doses
otherwise she's overpowering
he says
she of course
couldn't care less
lets him fizz away
whilst she gets down to business

so i introduce them to some friends
they can seem a little icy
perhaps too cool
but eventually they'll warm to you
and fit right in

i let them quarrel
(they do it so publicly)
always with the lights on
the blinds up
let the neighbours have a good show (for once)
but the end of the night
see them always
entwined in each other
almost indistinguishable

and i am duller
blunted
rain thuds retardedly on my head
sure the edges have been sanded down
but whos care about the corners
when that hole
persists

and i just exist
still hungry

and yes
i could use a drink

sweet

soft
like a pigs underbelly
silk purse and all that
scented
not like a cheap candle
but gelato
lemon
pistachio
a smell that smells exactly
as it tastes
soft
delicate
it unfolds on the tongue
like a package
japanese fabric wrapped
strictly beautiful
fragile
like incence smoke
still
suspended
clinging
to our lips
flushed pink
red
icecream icing colours
their flavour obvious
just by looking
you can tell
it gonna be
sweet

workin tha streets

yeah baby
work it
work those streets
walk em good
hit that pavement
yeah
hit it girl
mmm, like that
do it like that
lean
yeah rub that wall
he's been a bad wall
dig your heel in his bricks
ah
again
yeah
come over here
yeah bring yourself up against my window
mmm, you like my leer
yeah
you hate it don't you
you hate the way i finger you with my eyes
don't pretend
you love it
hey come here
let me push you over
let me graze your knees all up in this here bitumen
feel my heel in your spine
ooh yeah baby
press back
squirm for me
act like you don't like it
i like that
oh baby
press your cheek on my fist
yeah girl
oo damn
that was a good un
again
again
oooh
you gettin me so hard
i'm gonna hafta hurt somebody
if ya know what im sayin
you know what we gonna do
just let me yank your skank ass self ova to my car
bend across my bonnet
yeah
sprawl baby
yeah
thats it
damn you look hot
damn girl
you look dead
you're makin me so fuckin hard
keepin doin that
and i'm gonna explode
yeah
you know it
right in your face
say what now
hey you even bleed on cue
damn
you one special trick
yeah baby
i'll treat you real special
i'll be nice and gentle
you be daddy's special little girl
you know what daddy likes
scream
you scream real good baby
do it again
fuck yeah
again
fuck yeah
again
fuck yeah
again
fuck
yeah
here's 5 bucks bitch

i.dream.of.genie

i dream of murder
hatred burning red and black
bodies too
face twisting in recognition
that its end has come
at my hand
at my beck and call
i command
the air around them to super-heat
it does so in white hot brilliance
beautifully watercoloured
fabric skin melts
has no choice but to ignite
and they are freed
a plume of ash drifts sweetly on the breeze
brings a tang to the air
and to my tongue
as i pick them off
one by one
with a wave of my hand
the merest gesture on my behalf
sees them mowed down inexorably
the force
impacts
implodes
disintegrates
a machine of my implacable loathing
a weapon honed by the sharpening of years
sparkling
gorgeous
an alter an icon a palace a deity
a dark and corrupt blackened smoke pours
from my vessel
as i dream
dream
of "genie"

fuckingoddamawfulmindnumbingtrash

yes you
jesusgoddamnfuckingchrist i wish i could obliterate you
the power of my brilliantlyhonedtrainedsharpenedandeducated mind makes you
d i s a p p e a r

selling hopelovesafety to the poortrash
numbed and dumbed by virtue
of being the only ones stillgluedtotheirset at this hour
forced fed pre-digested chunks of generalcuntinginterest gossiptidbitsandbeautyadvice
and
of course
the latest
greatest
abkingsecretproativeformulalifeinsurancetupperwareknfiesetvacuumstainremover
pill of shit

and you buy it
you actually buy the scripted drivel condescendingly spewed on you
like warm urine from a great height
you lap it up
format so distilled it goes beyond cliche into some dimensional vortex
the image of reality so false it attains a hyper- prefix
the crap so crap it gleams
in its own disgusting mirror hall version of itself
iterations curving away into infinity
and just disappearing round the corner
or maybe your eyes have give up in total shame and revulsion
at what they're forced to consume
so they mercifully take back control before they have to commit some bizarre ocular hari kiri

but you y o u
still sit there
contemplate calling that 1800 because you've only got another 15 minutes
or you'll
miss
out
forever
on
that
fantastic
o n c e i n a l i f e t i m e d e a l
(you can imagine stars or lightbulbs in those spaces can't you)

...
tell you what

don't

just
don't

please.

i have to do this now before i falter

it must be now
before thought
slide a knife next to the knuckle
joining the beginning of thought and the thing itself
and drive the point home

of course you'll bleed
consider it a healthy release
whats a little blood-letting between
friends

now keep going
ride the wave of action
the froth of decision
momentum of the inevitable
don't stop the music your movements are making
bones through space send shockwaves
soundwaves
pulses of pointed intent
coerce reality
cut your losses
and ride

wild blue

yonder it lies
nestled deep in the darkening horizon
that ultra-blue
thick and fabric
textile

at night it embraces
welcomes any light
makes those that are dull
weary
stale
into clean fresh shimmering
gloss
gossamer strung gems
fabulous photons

who are poor and tattered
while that bloody orb blazes
bathing all in blanket like sheen
drab and dreary glare
"o garish sun"
quite rightly so
for it permits no contest
no matter it would win
any glow not its own is disallowed

but as that heavy down of dusk descends
he has no choices
she cannot but fall, falter, flail
(in truth it is we who change of course)
and ah
as it happens
little lights creep
peep out prettily
to take their places

and thus the vast overhang
canopy of cloth
is embroider-ed
beaded o'er

and sheathes itself
in stars

bea(r)ded

she walked into the room like she was stealing a kiss
or rather, that's how she wanted to entrance
beaded and skillful
gliding and dangerous like an animated stole
scrabbling its little claws on the beautiful white necks of competing beauty
leaving lovely little red welts

and sweet dewy droplets glistened on black velvet
quite at home next to onyx and ruby
stone a blood a somewhat primal coupling

but that's what all this was about, right
predators engaging scent and camoflauge
artifice deciet
the game of quarry
leather and dogs and riding crops and beheaded things lining the room
lining the gullet
circling the conciousness
the bray of a mare
the bark of hound
and beads
beads
beads of sweat
pearls like champagne bubbles
shining tinkling acrid on the tongue
kicking the stomach to readyness
whetting the appetite
whetting the stone
digestive juices sharp in the roof of the mouth
possibly even bile
sick with pleasure
drunk and hyped and ready and waiting and aching to jump

and they're off

broken.head

my head is splitting
is what they say
but can it
does it
will a swollen brain
drunk with toxins
force its way through the cracks

finally getting its chance to leave your shell behind
this thing its been forced to lug around
every minute of every day it has to analyse process record delegate
all the minute operations of an unthinking husk
a demanding child
thoughtless and self-obsessed
totally dependant on impulses from the big grey

well no more
its this organ's time to shine
i mean
just imagine
if i didn't spend my life concerned with you
all that attention
and all that care
could be focused on me
just think of the possibilities

but you can't can you
you can't think
you need me to do that for you too
stupid stupid flesh
ignorant
vacant
baby

baby goodbye
remember me
as i'm floating away
a rubbery grey balloon
kissing its thoughts to the sky

bully's-no-good-cold

still waiting
for that panacea
for my fix
a coded signal that tells my cells to smarten up

till then i'm broken
rendered almost unplayable
i mean, you can try
but there'll always be that nagging doubt
the possibility that at any moment
i'll crash
and you'll lose any progress
turn me off in disgust

and each time
it gets harder and harder to try again
you're more reluctant to turn me on
distrust lurks just at the edges
you'll pretend its not there
but we both know i'm not fooling anyone

i'm broken
frozen
i've ruined your game
spoiled your fun

and a bully's no good cold

height is the measure of a man

i want to be taller
though
i already am
people stare in the street, they look and try not to
see and then not-see, glaze over, glance past
like i was morbidly obese
or fully gothic

and i pretend i didn't notice
and look down
i look down a lot

but i want to be taller
i want to wear heels all the time
not just on the special occasions when i allow myself
like a treat
an expensive wine
a luxurious frill
a decadent mistake

i tell myself
if i were taller
i would match their gaze
claim their attention
acknowledge
allow them to view me

if i were taller
i would be seen
would not be afraid to appear
somehow 6 inches makes me: more real, more there, more of everything i want and profoundly
less of what i'm not

literally
above it all
standing out from the crowd
"no, i do not play basketball" ("yes, i get asked that a lot")
oh i know its a curse, my cross to bear, poor me, etc.
i will embrace cliche
trite, pat, ordinary

but i'll still be taller...

filaments.filigree.philistine

soft gold filaments
glimmering gossamer
palimsest of other peoples' longing
object of lust
icon
talisman
paragon
conqueress
queen

i long to be
such tempting labels
titles and gifts granted
graceful and wanton, shimmering, shifting, reactive, responsive
long lean and languid
sanguine, blood-wine, my lips taste metal, sharp, bitter
the tang of base elements
the sheen of those more precious - gold plated eyes, silver dusted cheeks

always kind, pre-emptively gentle
direct, invting, available

so there i am : she, he, both, it, neither, all,
anything you can desire, i can become
trans it
trans substial
trans in dental
trans for

gossamer, mist, ephemera, trinket, token, charm, changeling, challenge

all would love me and perish.