thinking of doing

it
the next to last thing
jumping cutting swallowing wallowing
drown in drink in drunken courage
gets me over the wall
out on the ledge
the bridge's precipice
the razor's edge
the thin red line
the cord the string
the thing that makes it all worthwhile
makes it taste bitter
better that way
metallic and harsh
you know its shouldn't be in your mouth
shouldn't be outside your skin
it drips and stains
and everyone can see
telltale signs
little lines of lies
so
i'm thinking of doing
again
so
many ways
rearranged recombined
shining stories
crumbs are clues if you're quicker than the birds
sleeker than the wolf
slicker than the oil dripping from my tips
petroleum's pheremones call to my nose
leads it on
matches pulls to pills
to the end of ills
to self
kill

alone

again
you know the drill
kill time
drink
douse the fuel
wet things won't catch alight
soggy trousers
dry cheeks
i rub my eyes
but i can't see any better
murky muddy
rough and brackish
silty heart
anti-pig
wallowing to get clean
get the dirt off
drowning to feel
screaming for silence
wanting not to want
the lines of opposition
a phalanx
guard of honour
borders boundaries all protected
sealed
hermetically
blissful contamination
killed on contact
ultra disinfectant eyes
sharp scrubbing smile
and lying heart
biting its tongue
spitting out filthy lies
bitchy thing
viper edged
nasty
a bin of decomposing scraps
oozing wet
making a mark
leaving a stain
and i remain
alone