rummy

gin gin gin
cards
hearts and clubs
trying to find a hand
get a hand
good hand
lets call it a shovel
cos i'm digging
drinkin
drownin
dowsing myself ready for the flame
maybe then i'd get a fund
get a label
validate
my travel, my pain
a fuckin coloured ribbon
a cause
no longer nameless
ephemeral, euphamistic
you can't show the scars in your brain
only on your wrists
(maybe i should start that again
I mean it's great for the tension)
but no
"no, no ,no"
i wanna scream
i sob it instead
crumple it up
stifle, strangle, supress
stick it in the back of my throat
in a song
torch-like, tortured
the notes are free
unsullied
unsuited to my purpose
police me
release me
just recognise
what i never said
realise
the gap in my laugh
see
the tease, the crack, the glimpse
peek through
please please please
probe, poke
rip that corner of torn paper
peel the label
scratch the surface i've given you
stab
pierce
percieve
percieve!
i am not
ok
here
all right
i'm left
bereft
devoid
the void
i fill with
gin gin gin gin
rummy