unfabulous

fat
don't fit
can't snap
back into shape
into line
into time's fine weave
i don't believe
in change
though growth is a different matter
a scatter of seed
of stars
of shards
is all i need
to end this cruel charade
parade pathetic
such a sham
i am
pretender extraordinaire
such flair in deceit
if only the conceit could last
the paint the mask
the role the whole
thing just falls apart
because i lie
at the heart
i hate
i hate
what i've become
what i will never be
can never see
past my own glasses
i'm past this
shaft this
throw in the towel
take up the blade
and be
oh so selfish
plan the escape
but falter at the hurdle
if only your girdle
would fit
but you're too fat
so fat
fatuous
flatulous
flabby and foul
unfabulous
and how

bits of a star gone wrong

that's what we are
cosmic crap
universe lint
degenerate seed of some horny supernova
planetary jizz
left to stain
and crust
a pale thin skin
stuck to the earth
left in the heat of collision
in the wake of impact
some galactic joke?
that the 3rd rock got it in the eye
other systems,
binaries
point and laugh
at slutty old Sol
and whoever got their rocks off

admit

one
only
alone
i
intone that mantra
tired
body slack with defeat
heat and sweat
the effort required just to continue
is too great
i no longer
have it in me
unsure if its used up
expressed
exhumed
exhausted
a husk, crumbling
a withered breath
a dusty claw
the last gasp
literally
i don't think you can grasp
the enormity of that fact
the tactless way i shed
skin, debris
histories, shells
leaving bombs in my wake
at least i can guarantee
an unusual undertow
a pull
deep and uncertain
that secret longing you've suppressed
that greets me just behind your eyes
but its what you'll never
admit

vday

day
breaks
like a sunny warm bacon and
egg
your yolk flows
i bask
toasty
cept
i miss the knife
doubt the strife
i'd cause
if i'd call
if i'd single
you out
say what i really
let it out
there's no doubt
i've been thinking
you
you
you're a plague on my thoughts
if only
if only you knew
this parasite's appetite
how long can i
long for you
and remain
silent
refuse
to squeak
to spill
i'd almost rather kill
my heart than let you start
to strip it away
but
but
you transport me
i am not myself when i'm with you
the highest compliment
paid
in full
broke
broken as i am
at least i can give you that
you know i'm yours
for just
the taking
the embrace
the chase i've left to falter
the hounds
surround me
smother my silence
bay and bark
i hope you come
and tear my flesh
limb from limb from limb from him from here from her from he
for v
day
breaks

rummy

gin gin gin
cards
hearts and clubs
trying to find a hand
get a hand
good hand
lets call it a shovel
cos i'm digging
drinkin
drownin
dowsing myself ready for the flame
maybe then i'd get a fund
get a label
validate
my travel, my pain
a fuckin coloured ribbon
a cause
no longer nameless
ephemeral, euphamistic
you can't show the scars in your brain
only on your wrists
(maybe i should start that again
I mean it's great for the tension)
but no
"no, no ,no"
i wanna scream
i sob it instead
crumple it up
stifle, strangle, supress
stick it in the back of my throat
in a song
torch-like, tortured
the notes are free
unsullied
unsuited to my purpose
police me
release me
just recognise
what i never said
realise
the gap in my laugh
see
the tease, the crack, the glimpse
peek through
please please please
probe, poke
rip that corner of torn paper
peel the label
scratch the surface i've given you
stab
pierce
percieve
percieve!
i am not
ok
here
all right
i'm left
bereft
devoid
the void
i fill with
gin gin gin gin
rummy

visual high

go on
give us a close up
can you get a shot of that guy
crying
i'm sorry
we didn't catch that
can you
scream
again
pretend
we're not here
act
natural
that's good
look this way
nice
can we
ask you a few questions
how hurt are you
how sad
can you show us
your grief
have you got a body
that always rates
well
get that car
charred
husk
we'll run some music over it
i smell
an award
coming our way boys
zoom in
replay
let me
see
more
more
i need
your pain
i wanna see
wanna get off
on my
visual
media
fetish
the story
the scars
5 stars

i just don't know

if i can
do it
i mean, objectively
sure, why not
yeah, i can
ok, i can do this
but, then
there's a picture
and i see
your face
and it hits me
it hurts me
my heart gets tight
gets scared
gets caught in the back of my throat
it remembers so much better than i
relives it
lives it
buries, hides, shoves, forgets, denies, forgives
but relives
when i see your face
so, no
i can't, i'm sorry
i won't come
i can't leave
i don't know
please don't ask, again
i just don't know
i just

i, just