thinking of doing

it
the next to last thing
jumping cutting swallowing wallowing
drown in drink in drunken courage
gets me over the wall
out on the ledge
the bridge's precipice
the razor's edge
the thin red line
the cord the string
the thing that makes it all worthwhile
makes it taste bitter
better that way
metallic and harsh
you know its shouldn't be in your mouth
shouldn't be outside your skin
it drips and stains
and everyone can see
telltale signs
little lines of lies
so
i'm thinking of doing
again
so
many ways
rearranged recombined
shining stories
crumbs are clues if you're quicker than the birds
sleeker than the wolf
slicker than the oil dripping from my tips
petroleum's pheremones call to my nose
leads it on
matches pulls to pills
to the end of ills
to self
kill

alone

again
you know the drill
kill time
drink
douse the fuel
wet things won't catch alight
soggy trousers
dry cheeks
i rub my eyes
but i can't see any better
murky muddy
rough and brackish
silty heart
anti-pig
wallowing to get clean
get the dirt off
drowning to feel
screaming for silence
wanting not to want
the lines of opposition
a phalanx
guard of honour
borders boundaries all protected
sealed
hermetically
blissful contamination
killed on contact
ultra disinfectant eyes
sharp scrubbing smile
and lying heart
biting its tongue
spitting out filthy lies
bitchy thing
viper edged
nasty
a bin of decomposing scraps
oozing wet
making a mark
leaving a stain
and i remain
alone

ode to those hippy boys

yeah you know who
you are
the ones with the hair
and bare feet
always dancing
in the middle of the room
not even on shrooms
that's what i like
it's kinda freaky
that you don't seem to care
just smile at those
those suddenly bizarre rules
to dress, to behave
i slave to convention
avoid pretension
and assert individuality
at pre-determined intervals
in a crowd

you like to dress
up/down
in revealing self-referential regalia
paraphernalia
signs and symbols of the resistance
your persistent candour
expands me

oh dear
there it is
this dangerous line
just thrown out there
i'm caught unprepared
my response is scared
if you were near me
i could be
free
from judgement
for a while
forget about style,
critical eye and snide remarks
forget image, deficiency, the marks of limit
in that whole you are what i could never be thing
in that i'll redeem myself through you because you will see the real
me
whatever that is
i play a part, its obvious to see the distinction
the wig comes off and my face falls
unscripted, i'm mute
but not for you
you are fused
wired
ostensibly inspired
i can borrow that
inflate myself with your passion
you're my wild streak
my hippy freak
my disgust
and salvation

record

you know the drill
the usual
the cliche, hackneyed turn of phrase
old record
broken record
flip it, reverse it
turn off, tune out
make that needle
skip
make it dance
scratch
the surface
the skin
to let something in
see there it goes again
seeping in
infecting
always lurking at the edges
ready to jump in
hijack
crash into an ivory tower
thousands of lame metaphors
die, burn, jump
but we'll still watch it
we'll still keep reading
about bleeding casualties
enumerated injuries
the hurt, the scars, the pain
that same old refrain
as we try in vain
to change
the record

bleached

bones
whittled and white
brittled
litter my floor
cave brushed
encrusted
damp dank den
torches flicker splutter
spit grease
fatty flames
thick choking fumes
blacken
my name
my door
is sealed
guarded by force
by growls
scowls
fierce signs
trespassers will be prosecuted
persecuted
judged
found wanting
wanting
waiting
i am
stepping on bones
splinters in my heel
in my face
scratches on my wrist
pounding fist
on floor
watching a closed door
a dead line
an empty box
hoping
someone reads the sign the secret
message underridden
hidden in the punch
under the knife
under my skin
i want to let you in
but cannot ask
cannot dare
and so i stare
you down
chase you
out
abuse you into silence
force you to stop trying
make you fail my test
change the rules of a game you never knew we were playing
so you lose
and i lose you

smashed crab

broken and disgusting
a stinking mess
that's what i am
the ocean's tears wet my cheeks
my damp flesh
cracked shell

all mixed and mangled
giving off a stench
repellent
revolting
i make you gag
make you turn away

can't stand to look at me
not even in that car-crash way
no illicit thrill
pleasant shock

broken and disgusting
is what i am

break the ice

break the sound
the silence
the shift into gear
the line starts right here
hear that
that sharp
snap
cracklepop
of bloodnbone
of ear drums filledto bursting
of joy of flesh
of fleshy slapping scraping
skin your knee
gaze your face
disgrace blooms in your trouser crotch
a botched job
a hatchet smack dab
in the middle
of the road
poisonous toad
lick its back
and take your chances
take yourself away
in a nice neat plastic tub
do you want rice with that
greasy feeling
pit of stomach reeling
queasy knot
nausea rising
bile on the tip of your tongue
acid coats your teeth
your breath a reeking diseaese thing
a plague a blight
you light it alight
a light
burns
blazes
crackle
snap-pop
breaks the ice